Thursday, May 24, 2007

Questions??????

It's time to answer my question pile - I've had literally tens of queries since I started these blogs, so let's begin:

1. What do you think of all these aging rockers still performing way past their prime?
Well, I've always felt that you're as old as you feel, unless you feel like Strom Thurmond, in which case, you're not only old, but dead...
I did see the Who recently in concert, and I couldn't help but notice that when they sang "Tommy, Can You Hear Me", there was a resounding cry of "What? What did they say?" from the audience, so it isn't just the band members getting older. But I have a question for you - what's the proper way to wish good luck to these elderly entertainers before they go onstage-
would yelling out "Break a hip" be too gauche? That would explain why the security people threw me out...

2. Are you a religious person?
I grew up Catholic, and used to attend the annual summer retreats, where we'd enjoy such appropriate fare for children as live crucifixion re-enactments, partaking of both the body and the blood of Christ, and, my personal favorite, being threatened with burning in hell forever for even thinking about a woman!!! When the head priest took me aside one day for a bracing game of "Pull my finger/That's not my finger" I knew it was time to leave the fold....
I did briefly convert to born-again Christianity when I witnessed an evangelical preacher turning water into Fresca - a miracle!!! The bubble was soon burst when I remembered that I'd eaten a rather suspicious plate of mushrooms earlier that day; later that night I was entertained by a vision - it was Don Rickles, warning me that someone was out to steal my left testicle, so I should always wear a protective "cup" (really bad mushrooms!).
My last bout with organized religion was about ten years ago, when a third cousin, twice removed, of John Travolta's cursed me with gout for not making it all the way through "Battlefield Earth". Coincidence? I think not....
3. Who is your favorite Beatle?
This is easy - there was a man known as the "seventh Beatle"-he grew up in East Liverpool, Ohio, and went by the stage name of "Beppo". He could play the ocarina while simultaneously solving math problems, but, sadly, never met the other members of the group, as he died in a suspicious boating accident.
4. What was suspicious about it?
He was on dry land at the time....
5. What is the meaning of life?
If you're one of the millions of people who believe, like Forest Gump, that "Life is like a box of chocolates", then, my friend, you deserve to spend the rest of your life dining at the Bubba Gump Shrimp Co., a soul-less corporate restaurant created after a soul-less corporate movie about a moron spouting useless greeting-card epithets, a tradition of fake band-aid drivel which continues today with books like "The Secret" and anything that begins with "Ten Ways To..."
Think about it, folks - you have millions of people now reading self-help books, books on how to get rich, and the only wealthy people are the ones who write this stuff - and you're out the $25.00 that it cost to buy the book!
Let's do an experiment - I'll come up with an idea, starting with "Life is like.." and fill in the rest with the first thing I see, then I'll make a clever tie-in with some vague generalized principles that can apply to anyone, anywhere, anytime. Let's begin: Life is like - a can-opener, because you're always opening up something new; once in a while, you get a bad can, but your job is to keep opening until you find the things you like, etc.
Let's try another: Life is like - a salt-shaker; you just keep shaking until all the salt particles have left the container - so stop worrying, just live your life to the fullest until you've "seasoned" all around you, etc.
Got it? STOP BUYING THIS CRAP!!! There is no "secret" - we're probably a biological accident that was put here on earth by the right combination of chemicals smashing together, so enjoy your short time-span here and stop reading about how to enjoy your short time-span here! Try telling a young child stricken with poverty or disease that he's just not "visualizing" well enough...
I think Charles Bukowski had it right when he said , and I'm paraphrasing, that the secret of life was the same secret as the secret to his writing, which was "Don't try". Don't force it - stop thinking too much - don't worry, be happy - Oh no, here we go again - see you next time-
Ken Peplowski

1 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

If as you say "had literally tens of queries since I started these blogs", why did you only answer five of them?

Won't be able to attend your Mainstay appearance on the 7th (daughter is graduating) but will try to see you at the Smithsonian Jazz Cafe in D.C. on the 8th.

7:58 AM  

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